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You Can’t Fix Anyone…only care for yourself!

 

What can we do
when a loved one’s life
appears to be out of balance,
off track or in complete chaos?
No matter what we say or do, it seems there is no way we can help as even our most loving suggestions are rejected or ignored. They may blame us for their decisions, their problems, and their pain. We may even be the enemy in their perception.

We may feel helpless when all we can do is stand by and watch as our loved ones attract negativity into their lives. It’s not easy to simply observe as the soap opera unfolds, to see them consumed by depression or wrapped up in a distressful drama of anger, fear, panic, pain or other self-destructive behaviors.

In our hearts, we want what’s best for those we love.

When we love someone, we want them to thrive. Our intention is for them to be happy, to experience success, and to feel fulfilled. At first, we try to support them, to stay with them, and set our own needs aside as we do our best to help. Inevitably, feeling unsupported in our efforts, we lose our own center and balance and may even become ill or depressed when we realize that our love is not being received. We feel as if we have ceased to exist in their cluttered and confused world.

As difficult as it may seem, there comes a time when it is important to separate. It is a time to nurture and insulate ourselves from the negative energy that pervades our loved one’s space. Although it seems counter-intuitive, especially to the empath, physical separation is essential for gaining clarity and perspective. It’s a time for taking care of our own needs, reclaiming our autonomy and personal power, and for finding who we are in relationship to the one who is in distress.

“You can’t get sick enough to make them well. You can’t get poor enough to help them have more prosperity. You can’t get confused enough to bring them clarity. In other words, you can’t fix them from your place of not being that which they are striving for. You can only be all that you can be, and through the clarity of your example you may inspire some of them to reach for something more.”  ~ Abraham-Hicks ~

This writing was inspired by personal life experiences and the following video by Abraham Hicks video entitled Magic and Living on the “Bleeding Edge.” The portion that is directly related to this post is approximately 7 Minutes and 30 seconds into the video. Of course you will benefit from listening to the entire session. To watch this video, please click on the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tZCl-i034EY

According to Abraham-Hicks, You feel guilty about thriving when others that you love don’t come with you.” This may be a true statement for many people, though personally, I don’t experience guilt, but rather feel compassion and a desire be with and share my present state with those I love.

Abraham also speaks to how we hold ourselves back. This has been true for me. I’ve spent most of my life being the wind beneath a partner’s wings, putting off my own aspirations to support another’s career, to be the caregiver during illness and the breadwinner while my partner was unable to work.

At the same time I was growing emotionally and spiritually because of the lessons I learned from these situations. I’ve always done my best to honor my partners and our relationship. I’d stay beyond the point when it was clear that the relationship was no longer serving my highest good. Because I love deeply and completely, I’d tenaciously hang on until my own energy was depleted hoping somehow the magic we once had would return.

Abraham also says, “You do not have to be all things to all people.”

As a product of the mid 20th century, I strove very hard to do just that. I’d learned to be flexible, to adapt and take on whatever was required or expected of me. I actually enjoyed being a supportive co-creative partner, wife, lover, mother, companion, bread winner, social secretary…you name it. That’s a pretty big role to play and when I was younger, I could keep up the demanding pace. Of course that meant postponing, among other things, finishing college, taking art classes, going on vacation, and having time for myself to enjoy those things that fed my soul.

I’ve been accused many times of being “too nice.” An ex-husband said, “you are too good for me.” He certainly proved himself right when he left me for a flashy young 24 year old who he believed was the love of his life. After they married, she turned the tables on him by cheating with a highway patrolman and then took him to the financial cleaners. Although I warned him not to trust her, he refused to listen.

A couple of years later, after he’d lost everything, he became horribly depressed, was drinking and having a hard time starting over. He phoned to say he’d send me a plane ticket if I’d fly to LA to help him get his head back on straight. We spent a week together and he told me how grateful he was that I’d come and how sorry he was for what had happened. We experienced some deep healing and parted friends.

According to Abraham and others, we don’t have to hang around and help our loved ones get their lives back on track to the detriment of our personal process. The Universe will provide them with the appropriate teachers. Not all of the lessons are easy ones as my former husband found out. That young woman was his teacher and helped him learn how it felt to be betrayed. In his next relationship, he became the caregiver for an emotionally disabled partner.

In keeping one’s own countenance, it’s important not to look back and revisit the pain. Instead, be in the now and focus on finding your own joy…your inner bliss…your heart. You can give a far better message to a partner in distress when you thrive and prosper. Hashing over old painful experiences and hooking into the past is fruitless.

So, lead with your heart and take charge of your life. We must be the example for what is possible by releasing, letting go, forgiving both ourselves and our loved ones, and moving on with only love and compassion in our hearts.

Abraham says, “You will lead them through your joy. You cannot lead them through your pain.” Choosing to feel good is of utmost importantance. It’s from that place of feeling good than we can agree to detach ourselves from all negative and painful energy and decide to think only good thoughts about our loved ones with the intention that they are receiving the lessons they need for their highest good.

We will know when we are successful in our efforts…when we are no longer hearing their complaints. Until they can align themselves with their own highest vibration, we will not be able to be with them. In other words, when we can remain comfortably in our own highest vibration, and they are able to raise their energy to meet ours, then and only then is it possible for us to be with them in a vibrantly healthy relationship. For a strong relationship to exist with a loved one, our vibrations must be a be aligned with theirs to truly serve the highest good for all.

If you are looking for someone to guide you through the process of becoming a Spiritual Entrepreneur, please check out my Offerings. I’ll be happy to help you discover your passion, envision your business, and create the life of your dreams. I’m also available to help those who are already in business to shift the energy from the old paradigm to a 21st Century heart centered co-creative focus.

I’ll soon be adding a 90 day quick start and a 6 month mentoring program specifically designed to help you to give birth to your vision in a way that feels easy, effortless, exciting, energizing and rewarding.

Stan Dale on Relationship – Happy Birthday Stan!

December 20th would have been my late friend and mentor, Stan Dale’s, 82nd birthday. Happy Birthday Stan! You are missed and you are loved.

Stan was my first true living spiritual teacher, though he would not have thought of himself in that way. Stan simply loved and showed others how to do the same. He taught them how to love themselves, to love others and to love humanity.

Stan founded The Human Awareness Institute (HAI) together with his late wife Helen Dale, in the late1960’s. HAI’s motto is “Creating A World Where Everyone Wins.” Stan had a vision of changing the world one person at a time. He left a legacy of love and healing in his wake. Thousands of individuals were better off for having known him and for having participated in his Love, Intimacy and Sexuality Workshops that are now held globally.

Stan Dale was ahead of the curve and way ahead of his time. I only wish he could be with us today to see how like-minded souls such as ourselves are coming together globally via the internet to help make his dreams come true.

The following is a short video with Stan Dale as he was talking to a group about the nature of relationships. That wonderful soothing voice still lives in my head and frequently reminds me of the lessons I learned from this master of love.

By the way, if you are old enough to remember “The Shadow” and “The Lone Ranger,” you will probably recognize Stan’s voice. He was the one who would say “Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men….”

Love you Stan. Like a guardian angel, I know you are with me all-ways!

Inner Guidance or Unsolicited Advice?

Television and other media inform us that we need to conform to the societal norm to be accepted, that we smell bad, that our size and shape are wrong, that we have physical or mental conditions that require prescription medication, that we need help to function sexually, and that we cannot possibly be capable of making our own decisions or being responsible for our own actions.

 

New laws are being created daily to handle many of those issues on our behalf.

Critical thinking is no longer encouraged…or in some sectors, even allowed. After all, we might be a danger to ourselves and others if we use the minds gifted to us by God.

Where am I going with this, you might ask?

My point is that other-directed individuals relinquish their power to perceived authorities and become followers. They unknowingly give up their birthrights: the freedom to think for themselves, live from their hearts, find joy in their passion, and express their creativity and individuality or unique sense of self. Often, there is a blind acceptance that others know better than they do what’s right for them. Often the reason for that is that they have not clearly defined themselves and their wants, needs and desires.

Conversely, inner-directed individuals align their energy directly with Source, with their Higher Self and the divinity within. These individuals are the pioneers, the creators, the inventors, and the leaders in their field. They make decisions about their lives based on the knowledge, wisdom and guidance they receive directly from God…the Universe…Source.

Inner-directed people look for the truth that resonates with their gut level intuition and the vibrations that cause their heart to sing.They do not accept something as true or factual without first checking it out with how it makes them feel. If it doesn’t feel good, comfortable and right for them…if they cannot honestly say yes to it…then it’s not their truth. These individuals embody the qualities of a Spiritual Entrepreneur.

How do we discover and know our own truth?

Speaking for myself, it’s been a lifetime process. Just when I think that I know all that there is to know about the subject of me, something new pops up. It might be an old issue that I thought had been resolved presents itself with a new twist. And, oddly enough, most of these issues take their roots in childhood, even while we are still in the womb, and in some cases a previous/parallel lifetime.

As an adopted child, I’ve experienced a lot of deep inner work with issues such as abandonment, worthiness and belonging (where do I fit in). Oddly enough, due to some major life changes, these issues have recently resurfaced for me again. The deeper I go into my own inner work, the more empathy I have for others who are going through similar situations. As spiritual leader and author, Ram Dass said in his 1977 book with Steve Levine, it’s “Grist for the Mill.” I’ve often thought of it as grist for the healer’s/teacher’s/writer’s mill. So, for myself, the inner work I do has implications well beyond my own personal growth. By healing myself, I am more available and clear when I am guiding others.

Once while experiencing a hypnotic regression back into childhood, I found myself floating in my natural mother’s womb. I could hear and feel everything that she was experiencing. As a result I experienced extreme empathy for my mother as she endured violent verbal abuse from her own father, my natural grandfather. From his old-country (Northern European) religious moralistic perspective, he saw her as a demon child. He pushed her around and told her she was worthless, a disgrace. He then said she was a bitch and a whore, then shoved her out the door onto the street to fend for herself at 16, in the middle of World War II.

I felt my mother’s extreme pain and hopelessness, and still can. As a teenager in times when women had few rights or recourse, she was forced to give birth to me in a home for unwed mothers. As she had no family to turn to, no resources, she was also forced to give me up for adoption at four days of age. Unfortunately, we never had the chance to bond.

I was told that after my birth she became despondent, and likely anorexic, as she died of cirrhosis of the liver due to malnutrition at age 21. I discovered the cause of death many years later when I recalled seeing her name on my original birth certificate (later destroyed in a house fire) and searched for her death certificate in the county records. It matched what I’d been told.

From before birth, I was already feeling compassion for people in this lifetime. I knew as a child that I came here to do something special. However, I didn’t know that I was destined for a life overflowing with “Grist for the Mill.” The adventures and people I have encountered on my journey have served me well. In truth, I have no regrets. Each experience is a swatch of fabric from which I have fashioned and happily wear my coat of many colors.

Throughout my years of tasting much of what life has had to offer, I learned to seek guidance when I found myself in a situation too difficult or painful to handle on my own. I’ve received professional guidance in workshops and private sessions from counselors, therapists, ministers, coaches, body workers, energy healers and other practitioners. They have come from a variety of disciplines and ethnic, religious and spiritual backgrounds. I have always been guided to the perfect professional with the ideal skills to match my needs at the time.

Connecting with Source and Your Own Inner Guidance

There is no amount of education that can replace life experience. Some things we simply cannot get at a deep level simply by listening to lectures or reading about them in books. For instance, God…the Creator. How do we come to understand God? By knowing God.

As East Indian guru, author and world teacher, Paramahansa Yogananda, told his disciples, “prove to yourself that God exists.” This is something that can only be learned through experience. By silencing the mind, going within, and connecting with Source you can find and know God for yourself. This is the practice and experience known as meditation.

By silencing the mind through yoga and breathing, the yogi is able to relax into a state of receptivity. In this state, the answers are revealed, the truth we seek that comes directly from God. Almost anyone can do this with guidance and practice. In this busy world of doing, to sit in stillness and listen seems foreign and counter-intuitive, yet it is one of the most profoundly intuitive gifts we can give ourselves…some time with our Creator. As Brother Lawrence’s book title suggests, “Practicing the presence of God.”

There are many ways to connect with Source, with Spirit. Meditation is just one of them. However, all methods, including prayer, work best when we quiet our minds and listen in silence to receive our own messages from the Creator…from God.

Receiving Support and Learning How to Reach Your Inner Wisdom

Just as there are many ways to connect with Source, there is a wide variety of methods for learning how to connect with your Higher Self, the Divine within. Additionally, their are many teachers available to guide you through a plethora of processes to help you achieve your objectives as a Spiritual Entrepreneur.

You, as a client, are always in charge of your process. When selecting a coach, a counselor and/or a spiritual guide, be sure to address up front any questions or concerns. You may want to clarify that their values resonate with your personal philosophy. You will probably find most of your answers by checking out their websites and reading through their biographies, their offerings and testimonials.

If you are looking for someone to guide you through the process of becoming a Spiritual Entrepreneur, please check out my Offerings. I’ll be happy to help you discover your passion, envision your business, and create the life of your dreams. I’m also available to help those who are already in business to shift the energy from the old paradigm to a 21st Century heart centered co-creative focus.

I’ll soon be adding a 90 day quick start and a 6 month mentoring program specifically designed to help you to give birth to your vision in a way that feels easy, effortless, exciting, energizing and rewarding.

Boxes, Labels and Comfort Zones

                                                                Have you ever noticed that societal boxes and labels are designed to keep people in their comfort zone? And unwittingly, many people succumb to this state of mental inertia…spiritual standstill…prison for the soul. Trained from birth, they assume the position in life that others dictate to them in their relationships, education, careers, social behaviors, and even in what they do with their leisure time.

So what is a comfort zone?

According to definition, a comfort zone is an anxiety neutral seemingly risk free familiar behavioral state in which a person operates their life from a limited set of behaviors and a steady level of performance. Inside the comfort zone, there is an unfounded sense of security while operating within certain conditioned mental boundaries.

The ‘limited set of behaviors’ come partially from agreed upon societal labels with regard to race, color, religion, politics, nationality, philosophy, intelligence, education, age, marital status, etc. Add to that a plethora of value judgments placed on us by parents, teachers, friends, and perceived authorities. Combine these concepts together with our agreement to assume these parameters, these values, qualities and labels for ourselves and our belief systems are formed.

To protect who and what we believe to be ourselves, our physical bodies and our borrowed values and beliefs, we build boxes around ourselves to contain all those things that we think define us. As self-jailers, we lock ourselves into those externally imposed definitions of self, the roles that we play, and lead our mundane lives.

How I created my own label-free comfort outside the box

As a product of the 1940s and 50s, I spent much of my younger adulthood living the predefined roles of daughter, wife and mother. Yet, I did it my way because I had a strong sense of self and was never comfortable with the traditional roles and expectations projected on me. For that matter, I’ve never liked tradition.

Prior to my first marriage, at the ripe old age of 18 1/2, I became a map draftsman, a job traditionally held by men. It was not easy being the only woman playing a man’s role in a male dominated working environment, but the experience served me well. I learned valuable lessons in setting boundaries, standing up for myself and my rights, being accepted for my skills and intelligence while at the same time maintaining my femininity and being respected despite being young and female.

My first major in college was Elementary Education, one of the few fields available to women at that time. I quickly found it wasn’t for me and changed my major to Speech Pathology. When that field shifted from a psychological to a medical model, I opted to change to Recreation Therapy and Counseling Psychology. Then my college career was cut short by duties to family as my father was dying, and later I became a mother to my son.

When I returned to school many years later, I completed my BA in an independent study program where I created my own major – Learning Facilitation (Learning How to Learn). Just prior to graduation, I’d also been certified as a hypnotherapist. I finally felt a sense of completion and I knew I had defined myself outside the system. It felt really good.

I’ve never regretted stepping outside the box, though I do believe I was born that way. I felt compelled to be true to myself and my nature, and to not give into others’ visions for my life. That said, I do admit to trying out a few suggestions others convinced me I’d be good at, like being a Realtor. Although I was good at many things, I quickly discovered I am only happy when the work I do is creative, comes from love and passion, and resonates with my heart and soul. Sometimes to discover what we do want, it’s necessary to find out what we don’t want…like kissing a lot of toads before the prince appears. Trust me, I’ve had my share of toads and princes too, but that’s a story for another day.

Be a joyful Spiritual Entrepreneur…outside the box and label-free

Many people have settled for living inside their boxes and haven’t a clue why they don’t feel happy and fulfilled. When they see others living lives they wish they had, they attribute it to good fortune, a big break, or even good genes. When they think of doing what they believe they want and love, the fear of taking risks raises its ugly head and they start beating themselves with thoughts that they aren’t good enough, smart enough, young enough, or brave enough to follow their hearts.

Then the fears and worries about what others might say has them slink back into their boxes and pull the flaps shut. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of every kind keeps the labels in place and once again they convince themselves that this is what life is all about.

What they don’t know is that their freedom is only a thought away, that highly successful persons routinely step outside their comfort zones in order to achieve their goals. The increased level of anxiety engendered in taking a risk actually enhances the level of concentration and focus. This is a phenomenon known as an Optimal Performance Zone. Since fear and excitement produce very similar chemical reactions in the body, it’s important to develop a positive attitude toward risk and change.

Before stepping outside of the comfort zone, it’s important for one’s thoughts, beliefs and behaviors to be congruent and in alignment with how they wish to show up in the world.  Anyone desiring to be a Spiritual Entrepreneur would be wise to seek guidance from a counselor or coach. To see if being a Spiritual Entrepreneur is right for you, you might wish to take the quizzes recommended in my prior post, Type Casting for Spiritual Entrepreneurs.

If you are looking for someone to guide you through the process of becoming a Spiritual Entrepreneur, please check out my Offerings. I’ll be happy to help you discover your passion, envision your business, and create the life of your dreams. I’m also available to help those who are already in business to shift the energy from the old paradigm to a 21st Century heart centered co-creative focus.

I’ll soon be adding a 90 day quick start and a 6 month mentoring program specifically designed to help you to give birth to your vision in a way that feels easy, effortless, exciting, energizing and rewarding.

 

 

Type Casting for Spiritual Entrepreneurs

                                                                                    Have you ever felt like you were following a vision others couldn’t see, that you didn’t fit in, and weren’t seen, heard, understood or appreciated? Do you resent being put in a box, labeled and treated like one of the masses? Would you like to gain verification, clarification and validation for those feelings? Chances are you are a visionary, an entrepreneurial type who doesn’t fit in to the societal norm. The great news is that you can stop hiding out and playing the Lone Ranger, because YOUR TIME TO SHINE IS NOW!

Where Do You Belong? Are you a TypeE, ENFP or INFP, a bit of each or somewhere in between?

The TypeE Personality

According to my friend Alex Giorgio, who discovered the TypeE personality, an estimated 5 to 10 percent of the world’s population loves living on the edge of life. They thrive on a wide variety of experiences and enthusiastically pursue what they love with passion, creativity and velocity. When engaged, their energy seems limitless and their thirst for adventure and new frontiers insatiable.They are visionaries with a strong desire to shape the world and to make it a better place for all, whether in their local communities or globally. They are most happy when living, loving and playing at the leading edge of possibility.

Type Es are often highly creative visionaries and tend to be entrepreneurs. Creativity can take the form of artist, entertainer, scientist, or even a CEO. If you are highly creative, or if you consider yourself energetic, a risk taker or a self starter, chances are you have a TypeE personality.

There are three categories to the Type E Personality

  1. The Type E Manager (practical visionary)
  2. The Type E Mystic (out of the box visionary/head in the clouds)
  3. The Type E Translator (acts as a bilingual mediator between the Manager and Mystic).

To find your type, take the TypeE Quiz.

Another useful test is theMyers-Briggs Personality Profile or Jung Typology Test™.

Many entrepreneurial TypeEs also fit into the categories, ENFP or INFP, as briefly described below.

ENFP – Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

  • Primary mode of living is focused externally taking things in via intuition
  • Warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential
  • Good at an unusually broad range of skills and talents
  • Project-oriented and do things that fit with their values
  • Need time alone to focus on following through with their projects
  • Genuinely warm and interested in people and place great importance on inter-personal relationships
  • Details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery
  • Good communication skills making it easy for them to get what they want
  • Best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experience
  • Have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation
  • Basically happy unless confined to strict schedules and mundane tasks, like flexibility
  • Productive entrepreneurs when excited about a project
  • Need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled and want the same for others
  • Charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented

  INFP – Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

  • Primarily focused internally and deal with things according to how they feel about them
  • Focused on making the world a better place for people and love working for a cause
  • Highly intuitive about people and search for truth and meaning
  • Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease
  • Do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it
  • Place little importance on who is right and who is wrong
  • They don’t want to feel badly – a trait that makes them good at mediating or problem solving
  • Flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated, then they will aggressively defend
  • Unaware of mundane details of life maintenance
  • Do not like to deal with hard facts and logic and do not use or understand impersonal judgment
  • Very high standards and are perfectionists…can cause control or conflict in group situations
  • Usually talented feeling oriented writers who enjoy working for the public good
  • Can accomplish great and wonderful things and rarely give themselves credit

Take the Jung Typology Test™  and see which category best fits how you present yourself to the world.

I hope that these tests have been useful in helping you to determine whether or not to pursue life as a Spiritual Entrepreneur. If you find that you “fit the profile” and want to create your own business, I highly recommend that you spend about six months immersing yourself in learning from the experts in sales and marketing, business organization and management, and learning how to embody an entrepreneurial mindset. I also suggest that you develop relationships with mentors who have been successful in your specific field of endeavor.

There are many things to consider when starting and operating a business that creative types often find counter to their nature. Having started several businesses myself, I recognize the need for guidance as it can save time and money and also prevent needless mistakes.

Prior to opening my own used bookstore and espresso bar, I apprenticed myself to a friend who owned a place similar to the one I was planning to open in another city. I spent six months learning everything my mentor could teach me about running such a business. I asked questions about everything and learned the inner workings…the shortcuts, tips and tricks…the stuff books don’t tell you about running a business first hand. The education I received more than offset the many hours each week that I volunteered to help my friend with his store.

I also took classes and seminars in running an espresso bar and everything there is to know about being a bookseller from the basics to buying and selling rare books and collectible media. I’m a life-long learner and have always felt that self education has more value than any of the degrees or certificates that hang on my wall. Hands on learning is even better and I prefer experiential workshops as opposed to lecture format seminars.

If you are looking for someone to guide you through the process of becoming a Spiritual Entrepreneur, please check out my Offerings. I’ll be happy to help you discover your passion, envision your business, and create the life of your dreams. I’m also available to help those who are already in business to shift the energy from the old paradigm to a 21st Century heart centered co-creative focus.

I’ll soon be adding a 90 day quick start and a 6 month mentoring program specifically designed to help you to give birth to your vision in a way that feels easy, effortless, exciting, energizing and rewarding.