What can we do
when a loved one’s life
appears to be out of balance,
off track or in complete chaos?
No matter what we say or do, it seems there is no way we can help as even our most loving suggestions are rejected or ignored. They may blame us for their decisions, their problems, and their pain. We may even be the enemy in their perception.
We may feel helpless when all we can do is stand by and watch as our loved ones attract negativity into their lives. It’s not easy to simply observe as the soap opera unfolds, to see them consumed by depression or wrapped up in a distressful drama of anger, fear, panic, pain or other self-destructive behaviors.
In our hearts, we want what’s best for those we love.
When we love someone, we want them to thrive. Our intention is for them to be happy, to experience success, and to feel fulfilled. At first, we try to support them, to stay with them, and set our own needs aside as we do our best to help. Inevitably, feeling unsupported in our efforts, we lose our own center and balance and may even become ill or depressed when we realize that our love is not being received. We feel as if we have ceased to exist in their cluttered and confused world.
As difficult as it may seem, there comes a time when it is important to separate. It is a time to nurture and insulate ourselves from the negative energy that pervades our loved one’s space. Although it seems counter-intuitive, especially to the empath, physical separation is essential for gaining clarity and perspective. It’s a time for taking care of our own needs, reclaiming our autonomy and personal power, and for finding who we are in relationship to the one who is in distress.
“You can’t get sick enough to make them well. You can’t get poor enough to help them have more prosperity. You can’t get confused enough to bring them clarity. In other words, you can’t fix them from your place of not being that which they are striving for. You can only be all that you can be, and through the clarity of your example you may inspire some of them to reach for something more.” ~ Abraham-Hicks ~
This writing was inspired by personal life experiences and the following video by Abraham Hicks video entitled Magic and Living on the “Bleeding Edge.” The portion that is directly related to this post is approximately 7 Minutes and 30 seconds into the video. Of course you will benefit from listening to the entire session. To watch this video, please click on the link below.
According to Abraham-Hicks, “You feel guilty about thriving when others that you love don’t come with you.” This may be a true statement for many people, though personally, I don’t experience guilt, but rather feel compassion and a desire be with and share my present state with those I love.
Abraham also speaks to how we hold ourselves back. This has been true for me. I’ve spent most of my life being the wind beneath a partner’s wings, putting off my own aspirations to support another’s career, to be the caregiver during illness and the breadwinner while my partner was unable to work.
At the same time I was growing emotionally and spiritually because of the lessons I learned from these situations. I’ve always done my best to honor my partners and our relationship. I’d stay beyond the point when it was clear that the relationship was no longer serving my highest good. Because I love deeply and completely, I’d tenaciously hang on until my own energy was depleted hoping somehow the magic we once had would return.
Abraham also says, “You do not have to be all things to all people.”
As a product of the mid 20th century, I strove very hard to do just that. I’d learned to be flexible, to adapt and take on whatever was required or expected of me. I actually enjoyed being a supportive co-creative partner, wife, lover, mother, companion, bread winner, social secretary…you name it. That’s a pretty big role to play and when I was younger, I could keep up the demanding pace. Of course that meant postponing, among other things, finishing college, taking art classes, going on vacation, and having time for myself to enjoy those things that fed my soul.
I’ve been accused many times of being “too nice.” An ex-husband said, “you are too good for me.” He certainly proved himself right when he left me for a flashy young 24 year old who he believed was the love of his life. After they married, she turned the tables on him by cheating with a highway patrolman and then took him to the financial cleaners. Although I warned him not to trust her, he refused to listen.
A couple of years later, after he’d lost everything, he became horribly depressed, was drinking and having a hard time starting over. He phoned to say he’d send me a plane ticket if I’d fly to LA to help him get his head back on straight. We spent a week together and he told me how grateful he was that I’d come and how sorry he was for what had happened. We experienced some deep healing and parted friends.
According to Abraham and others, we don’t have to hang around and help our loved ones get their lives back on track to the detriment of our personal process. The Universe will provide them with the appropriate teachers. Not all of the lessons are easy ones as my former husband found out. That young woman was his teacher and helped him learn how it felt to be betrayed. In his next relationship, he became the caregiver for an emotionally disabled partner.
In keeping one’s own countenance, it’s important not to look back and revisit the pain. Instead, be in the now and focus on finding your own joy…your inner bliss…your heart. You can give a far better message to a partner in distress when you thrive and prosper. Hashing over old painful experiences and hooking into the past is fruitless.
So, lead with your heart and take charge of your life. We must be the example for what is possible by releasing, letting go, forgiving both ourselves and our loved ones, and moving on with only love and compassion in our hearts.
Abraham says, “You will lead them through your joy. You cannot lead them through your pain.” Choosing to feel good is of utmost importantance. It’s from that place of feeling good than we can agree to detach ourselves from all negative and painful energy and decide to think only good thoughts about our loved ones with the intention that they are receiving the lessons they need for their highest good.
We will know when we are successful in our efforts…when we are no longer hearing their complaints. Until they can align themselves with their own highest vibration, we will not be able to be with them. In other words, when we can remain comfortably in our own highest vibration, and they are able to raise their energy to meet ours, then and only then is it possible for us to be with them in a vibrantly healthy relationship. For a strong relationship to exist with a loved one, our vibrations must be a be aligned with theirs to truly serve the highest good for all.
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